There are many reasons why a celebrity marriage might not work out. Jealousy. Adultery. Temptation. The tendency for your spouse to hoard crystals. Or jump on a couch. Or just plain act crazy.
Aren’t you glad you’re NOT a celebrity? These odd couples were either over before they started, or (we predict) will be consulting a divorce attorney any day now. Here’s to having a normal marriage out of the limelight.
1. Carmen Electra & Dennis Rodman

Who didn’t think this wasn’t going to work? She has a last name that sounds like a defunct superhero, and he’s less predictable than a Guatemalan sinkhole.
What we learned: Trust your gut. If a basketball star has bullring nose piercings and enough different hair colors to make a peacock jealous, it’s a safe bet he’s not looking to settle down anytime soon.
2. Katie Holmes & Tom Cruise

It all goes back to the couch. That stupid loveseat we all wish we could forget about. Sure Tom was nuts with Scientology and Mission Impossible debacles, but he didn’t need to drag Joey out of Dawson’s Creek and into his weird world. This marriage still gives everybody the hebbe jebbies.
What we learned: From the plastic smiles to Holmes’ baby-making contract, it sounds like this marriage is more about assets and appearances than love. All we can hope is that Katie keeps her sanity.
3. Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt

Two people made famous for not doing anything, and made even more famous for marrying each other and turning into crystal hoarding, gigantic poopheads. Now it sounds like they’re breaking up. Bummer. And coincidentally, just in time for Sweeps Week!
What we learned: It doesn’t matter if you’re famous, if the only thing you’re famous for is a creepy flesh- colored beard.
4. Marion Jones & C.J. Hunter

One of the worst athlete marriages of all time. Both US Olympic athletes, Marion Jones was on top of the track & field world until her shot-putting husband tested positive for performance enhancers and disqualified from the 2000 Games. They divorced when Jones accused Hunter of tainting their “drug-free marriage.” As it turns out, Jones was lying through her teeth. Hunter turned in his dastardly ex-wife for steroid use during the BALCO investigations, which ultimately stripped Jones of any world records or Olympic medals.
What we learned: Wow, payback sucks!
5. John & Kate Gosselin

They’re both crazy people. He is a ridiculous goofball that got caught sleeping around by tabloid reporters thanks to his trail of Ed Hardy t-shirts and Axe body spray. She is a demasculinizing homemaker who enjoys arts and crafts, terrible dancing and exploiting her children on national television. Somehow, it just didn’t work out.
What we learned: They married too young. She pumped herself full of fertility drugs and out came five kids too many. This is what happens when the world celebrates a happy accident, and then munches on popcorn in anticipation of the family falling apart.
6. Elin Nordegren & Tiger Woods

Who would have thought the greatest golfer in the world was an international playboy? Who actually thought being good at golf would get you chicks? Elin and the rest of the world had no idea Tiger was a man of mystery, primed to pounce on the next cocktail waitress who strolls his way. Could Elin do anything about it? Maybe. But chasing the husband down with a nine iron might not have been the best way to get the point across.
What we learned: Some guys just shouldn’t get married. Especially guys who make a billion dollars off endorsements, travel the world and have hot women instinctively flock to them like the salmon of Capistrano. Either way, if Tiger wanted to stay on the hunt for young cougar cubs, he knew better than to get hitched.
7. Denise Richards & Charlie Sheen

What a match made in hell. Hey, young starlet who doesn’t offer the world anything but good looks – you should hook up with a serial adulterating movie star who once shot one of his fiancées. Don’t worry, things will be different. You two are “special together.” This marriage had BAD written all over it. More importantly, why is Tiger Woods ostracized for sleeping around, yet good ol’ Charlie is still America’s darling, signing a two million per episode deal with that two men and an ugly teenager show?
What we learned: Charlie Sheen is a charming guy, but he’s also a jerk. There are plenty of other guys out there like this. If anyone has “shot an ex fiancée” in their relationship baggage, maybe he isn’t marriage material.
8. Kendra Wilkinson & Hank Baskett

When you build your entire career around being a sex symbol, does it seem that out of line to record yourself in the act and sell the video online? That was Hank Baskett’s reasoning. Besides, their entire relationship had been on camera to that point – is there really a difference?
What we learned: If you’re a Playboy bunny, don’t get fat. Don’t even think about getting fat. You can forget motherhood while you’re at it. The second you show a little plump around the muffin top, your mystical hotness powers will fade away, and so will your awful, awful TV show.